Your Relationship is Worth Fighting for
Relationships are an important part of our well-being. Research has told us that couples who stay married live longer. However, relationships can be challenging for us. Couple counselling can help partners to clarify uncertainty or ambivalence about their relationship. Arguing is a normal occurrence in relationships; however, excessive conflict can bring about a feeling of disconnection and isolation within the relationship. We all want to feel connected with that "certain someone," physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Couple's therapy or marriage counselling can help couples reconnect that special bond again.
I use the Gottman interview technique for couples.
Pre- Marriage counselling is also available. Learn the pitfalls that damage a relationship such as the four horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt & Stonewalling.
Counselling for couples who are seeking divorce after 2yrs is also available.
Restore Your Connection
Every adult wants to be desired by a significant other, and wants to know that they are cared, respected, and needed by that special person. Marriage is about connection with a ‘special person’. John Bowlby says that adult connection has three things that are interconnected:
- Attachment,
- Caregiving,
- Sexuality.
The most powerful thing for human beings is the ability to reach out and feel belonging and close to another human being. A sense of connection with another is a primary need. We need one solid attachment figure as a child, preferably two and for most adults one partner. Proximity to an attachment figure tranquilizes our nervous system and gives us our emotional balance. Emotional isolation is a danger cue. Moments of disconnection are a danger cue for the brain and body. The panic fear of rejection can be terrifying to us.
There are two laws for attachment:
The First law
is that we are seeking proximity with special others, called an attachment longing.
The Second law
is that we turn to other people for security.
With a secure base it makes us stronger, more resilient and we are able to go out into the big world, and explore knowing we have a person to turn to for comfort to deal with ongoing agitation, and to help us make sense of traumatic events. Insecure attachment problems are the main basis for mental problems, such as anxiety and depression.
Find Security in Your Relationship
It is not a sign of weakness to turn to other people, you don’t have to feel ashamed of it, it is a source of strength. Sexually attached couples have a stronger sense of self, a secure base, a risk factor.
Separation distress cries out “Where are you? I can’t find you”. If you cannot connect with your significant other, it can be dangerous for you.
Attachment relationships are structured by accessibility, responsiveness and emotional engagement, a feeling of: ‘Are you there for me?’ Every bond has moments of disconnection. Disconnection hurts.
There are three styles of attachment:
1) Anxious, 2) Avoidant, and 3) Secure.